Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
