Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
