I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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