I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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