my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
