I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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