She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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