Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
