No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
