Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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