drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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