I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
