Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm having to shit out rocks
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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