I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
