My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
