I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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