I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
