he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
