don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
