the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize