you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
