Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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