nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So many bounce houses so little time
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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