So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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