No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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