I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
