I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
