I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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