ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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