Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
