dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
