she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
