Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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