bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
