Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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