i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
