Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Acid is not a monday night drug
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
