I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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