Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
