The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
