Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
