Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
As shirtless as possible
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
