Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize