I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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