Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
