at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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