I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
