It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
