She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
