So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
