Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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