if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You're like the curious george of whores
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
