chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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