life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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