I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
